First Actual Date is Tonight

My first real date is tonight, dinner and coffee… I’m starting to develop symptoms of anxiety again. Hopefully, I won’t abort last minute. I have this irrational fear of never finding someone capable of accepting me as I am. I look like a girl, but a lot of the times my mentality and actions lean more towards the dominant side. Even on a recent venture with “Wonderful Twin” to the fortuneteller confirmed my suspicions. My future life mate is going to be a “little bitch”. (*Disclaimer: The fortuneteller did not fully describe my future husband in these specific words) She did say he would be a handsome fella… So, I am now in search of a handsome bitch husband… Crap. On countless occasions, I have tried changing myself in order to become the epitome of femininity; however, I have always failed miserably. But, I’ve become quite content with myself lately. I’m wonderful just as I am. I could never giggle quietly, bat my eyelashes, or blush on cue. My roaring Santa with a dash of drunken hyena laugh gives me away each and every time. Nope, if the perfect man is out there, he will have to accept all these idiosyncrasies. He will also need to accept that I will lie in bed, watch my trashy TV shows, all the while eating a bag of Cheetos. And mind you, I will most definitely not clean up the crumbs with a napkin like a proper lady. Instead, I’ll always lick my fingers, press down gently on crumb and insert back into mouth. That is how it’s supposed to be done.

A particular email from a certain gentleman ruffled my feathers last night. This is the second sent by this gentleman, and I had every intention of replying to his first message, but I’ve been working on the emails on a first come, first serve bases.

Prospect -
Age: Thirty-seven-year-old male
Children: No
Status: Never married
Occupation: Construction

Message Number One – Subject: I’m a great catch… catch me before I get caught…
Hello, You seem like a very sweet fun person. May I take you out to get to know you sometime?

(Not a bad subject… witty…)

Message Number Two – Subject: You are beautiful but…
You are beautiful, but your lack of response tells me much of what else you lack.

(*Feather ruffling time)

Me: (This convo is now taking place via an instant messenger service provided by the site) I lack much… what in particular are you speaking of?
Feather Ruffler: You should have responded to my email faster. I am a great catch.
Me: I’m sure you are. You have my attention now. (*sarcastic undertone)
FR: What are your interests? I love beer. We could grab a beer sometime. Do you like beer?
Me: No, I’m sorry, I hardly ever drink beer. Guiness is great though.
FR: I like…. (Proceeds to list all the beers he enjoys consuming.)
Me: Yes, I can tell your love for beer from your picture.

By now, I’m a bit confused. I’m not really sure if this man is trying to woo beer or me. I suppose if there were a contest between a bottle of Budweiser and myself. The Bud would be the victor. Beer doesn't talk back, keeps you warm and happy; you can have many in the same sitting, and definitely cheaper. Darn it, I’m screwed. Lesson of the day, there are many types of people in the world… and also many, many, many different brands of beer.


FR: Can I take you out for ___________? (FML… key phrase from my own damn rules.)
Me: No, but we can go for coffee?

Feather Ruffler will hence be known as Beer Man.

Beer Man and I have a coffee date tomorrow…